
C O M P U T E R  G L O S S A R Y

     - A -

ABORT - WHEN THE BUS IS FULL, THE CONDUCTOR SHOUTS, "ALL ABORT!"
ABSOLUTE ADDRESS - WHERE SHE REALLY LIVES, NOT WHERE SHE TOLD YOU SHE
LIVES.
ABSOLUTE ERROR - TO BUY A COMPUTER.
ACCESS - A LARGE PAINFUL BOIL ON THE CHIPS FROM TOO MUCH HACKING.
A/C CONVERTER - A PHYSICIAN SPECIALIZING IN BI-DIRECTIONAL SURGERY.
ACCURACY - SOMETHING IMPOSSIBLE FOR PROGRAMMERS TO ATTAIN.
ADDER - THE PART OF A COW THAT COUNTS HOW MUCH MILK IS LEFT.
ADDRESS - WHAT BINARY HACKERS WEAR WHEN NOT WEARING A SUIT.
ALGOL - WHAT YOU SNEAK INTO THE PUNCH AT HACKER PARTIES TO LIVEN THEM
UP.
ALGORITHM - AN UNSTEADY GAIT AS THE RESULT OF TOO MUCH ALGOL.
ALPHA - LAST NAME OF LITTLE RASCAL STAR, ALF.
ANALOG - BANANA AND ICE CREAM TREAT; GOOD WITH JIMMIES.
ALPHABETIC - A BLOOD CONDITION RESULTING FROM TOO MANY ACRONYMS.
AMBIGUITY ERROR - WHEN SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY WRONG, OR MAYBE NOT.
ANSI - A HACKER WHO CAN'T SIT STILL.
ARITHMETICAL SHIFT - GOING FROM 1ST TO 4TH GEAR WITHOUT SKIPPING 2ND
AND 3RD.
ARPANET - THE GOVERNMENT COMPUTER NETWORK, I.E., THE FINE MESH WE'RE
IN.
ARRAY - SPONTANEOUS EXCLAMATION BY A HACKER WHEN SOMETHING WORKS FOR A
CHANGE; RARELY USED.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE - ANYBODY WHO NEEDS A MACHINE TO TELL THEM
WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE ALREADY KNOWS; E.G. A COMPUTERIST.
ASCII - THE KEY TO (CENSORED).
ATTENUATE - RESPONSE TO CANNIBAL WHO'S EATEN THE VERY BEST AND ASKS
YOU TO RATE IT FOR HIM.
AUTOMATIC CHECK - THE ONE YOU WRITE EVERY MONTH TO YOUR SOFTWARE
SUPPLIER.
AUTO-ANSWER - SIMILAR TO DIAL-A-PRAYER BUT INSTEAD OF A CLERGYMAN YOU
GET MR. GOODWRENCH.
AUTO-REPEAT - A KEY WHICH, WHEN HELD DOWN, WHEN HELD DOWN, WHEN HELD
DOWN...
AUXILIARY MEMORY - WHAT YOU GO TO WHEN SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE
WORKING LATE AT THE OFFICE; E.G., "THE TRAIN WAS HIJACKED TO CUBA."

     - B -

BACKWARD RECOVERY - REAGANOMICS.
BADGE READER - CONVENTION GOER WHO GETS OFF ON READING, "HI, I'M ..."
BADGES.
BAGBITING - WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T UNWRAP YOUR SANDWICH.
BANKS - QUIET, AIR-CONDITITONED PLACES WHERE YOUR SALARY IS
AUTOMATICALLY TRANSFERED TO PERIPHERAL SALESMEN.
BAR CODE SCANNER - A BOUNCER WHO CHECKS THE CROWD FOR JACKETS AND
TIES.
BARREL PRINTER - THE GUY WHO WRITES XXX ON WHISKEY KEGS.
BASIC - SOMETHING SO "SIMPLE" YOU NEED A COMPUTER TO UNDERSTAND IT.
BATCH - A MINOR GRIPE.
BATCH PROCESSING - CLEANING UP A BATCH SO YOU CAN SAY IT IN MIXED
COMPANY.
BAUD RATE - FEE CHARGED BY LOOSE WOMEN; USUALLY $5.00 AND UP.
BELL LABS - LARGE BLACK RETREIVERS THAT GO "DING-A-LING!" INSTEAD OF
"BOW WOW!"
BENCHMARK - PAINFUL CREASES PRESSED INTO CHIPS FROM SITTING FOR LONG
PERIODS ON PARK BENCHES.
BIAS - SAID OF SIAMESE TWINS, AS IN, "THEY'VE GOT A (CENSORED)"
BI-DIRECTIONAL - A COMPUTERIST WHO SWINGS BOTH WAYS.
BINARY - A LITTLE YELLOW BIRD THAT WAVES INSTEAD OF WHISTLES.
BINARY FILE - A WHOLE ROW OF THEM.
BI-POLAR - AN ESKIMO MARKETING SLOGAN.
BIT - A ONE, BUT IT DOESN'T SAY ONE WHAT, OR NOTHING, SO WHY BOTHER
NAMING IT?
BLOCK MOVES - WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A HACKER RENTS A HOUSE ON THE STREET.
BLOCK COPY - THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
BPI - A GAMBLING TERM, AS IN, "YOU BET YOUR BPI."
BUFFER - A NUDE HACKER.
BUFFER AMPLIFIER - ONE WHO BRAGS ABOUT IT.
BUFFER STORE - WHERE A BUFFER CAN'T BUY A THING TO WEAR.
BUG - A SMALL GERMAN CAR FOUND IN AMERICAN AUTOMAKERS' COMPUTER
PROGRAMS IN THE '60'S.
BURST SPEED - THE VELOCITY AT WHICH  HACKERS'S EGOS POP WHEN
CONFRONTED BY A 12-YEAR-OLD MICROKID.
BYTE - SHORT FOR "BUY IT."  REFERS TO HOW MANY PERIPHERALS YOU'LL HAVE
TO BUY TO SUPPORT A COMPUTER; E.G., THERE ARE 8 "BUY IT" 16 "BUY IT"
AND 64 "BUY IT" COMPUTERS.

     - C -

CALCULATING PUNCH - TO FIGURE OUT HOW MANY DRINKS A WORD PROCESSOR CAN
HANDLE AT THE OFFICE PARTY BEFORE SHE GIVES YOU HER (KEY)((CENSORED)).
CARD READER - A GYPSY PALMIST AND ADVISOR.
CARRIAGE RETURN - WHAT YOU DO IF YOU DECIDE NOT TO KEEP THE KID.
CHAIN PRINTER - SOMEONE WHO CAN'T GIVE UP PRINTING.
CHIP - WHAT ONE SITS ON; COME IN PAIRS.
COLD BOOT - WHAT A PROGRAMMER PUTS ON FEET IN WINTER.
COLD SOLDER JOINT - MARIJUANA SO STRONG YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIGHT IT TO
PUT LEAD IN YOUR PENCIL.
COMPUTER ON A CHIP - A HACKER WHO SITS LEANING TO ONE SIDE.
COMPUTER SCIENCE - THE FASTEST GROWING VOODOO ART COURSE IN AMERICAN
COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES.
CPS - REFERS LETTER READER TO POSTSCRIPT.
CROCK - A TIMING DEVICE MADE IN JAPAN.
CURSOR - A HACKER WHO BATCHES A LOT.

     - D -

DAISY WHEEL - A GROUP OF UNIDIRECTIONAL BUFFERS SITTING IN A CIRCLE.
DATA - A NICE-A ITALIAN GIRL.
DATA BASE - WHERE SHE LIVES.
DATA BUS - WHAT SHE DRIVES AT WORK.
DECREMNT - THE C--- (CENSORED) YOU GET FROM COMPUTERS.
DEDICATED KEY - ONE SHE GAVE ONLY TO YOU.
DEDICATED WORD PROCESSOR - A SECRETARY WHO STAYS AFTER 5.
DIFFERENCE ENGINE - THE FIRST THING LITTLE BOY HACKERS FORGET ABOUT
LITTLE GIRL HACKERS.
DIP - ABBREV. FOR HACKER.
DIRTY POWER -RALLYING CRY OF MLITANT PIGS.
DISK DRIVE - A POPULAR ADDRESS IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.
DOCUMENT - TO ASK YOUR PHYSICIAN FOR AN EXPLANATION OF WHAT HE
INTENDED TO SAY.
DOUBLE DENSITY - REALLY DUMB.
DOWN - SAID OF COMPUTERS MADE OF FEATHERS! "THAT COMPUTER IS DOWN."
DUMB TERMINAL - A HACKER INTERFACED WITH A SMART TERMINAL.
DUMP - THE BEST PLACE FOR COMPUTERS.

     - E -

EIGHT BIT CHIP - A ONE DOLLAR HOOKER.
ELECTRONIC MAIL - POST OFFICE JARGON FOR ANYTHING DELIVERED IN LESS
THAN A WEEK.
ENBED - TO SPEND TIME WITH A WORD PROCESSOR AT HER PLACE.
END USERS - HACKERS WHO SIT A LOT.
ERGONOMICS - HOW RONNY SPELLS IT.
EXPANSION SLOTS - THE EXTRA HOLES IN YOUR BELT.
EXECUTION TIME - THE TIME IT TAKES TO STRANGLE THE SALESMAN WHO TALKED
YOU INTO BUYING A COMPUTER.

T    - F -

FATAL BUG - TO HAVE A VOLKSWAGEN DROP ON YOU.
FEEDBACK - TO REPLAY WHAT YOU HAD FOR LUNCH.
FLOATING DECIMAL - ONE WHICH BOBS UP UNEXPECTEDLY IN A SEA OF
CONFUSION.
FLOPPY DISK - SERIOUS CURVATURE OF THE SPINE.
FORTUNE COOKIE PROGRAM - AN EVENING SPENT AT THE THEATER LISTENING TO
IRREVELANT ONE-LINERS.
FREQUENCY - DISEASE SUFFERED BY VIDEO GAME FREAKS.
FRIENDLY - SAID OF ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH COMPUTERS THAT IS
INCOMPREHENSIBLE OR DOES NOT WORK THE WAY IT SAYS IT WILL.

     - G -

GAS PLASMA - RESIDUAL SOFTWARE STAIN.
GIGABYTE - A PAINFUL STING ON THE GIGA.

     - H -

HACKER - A MISANTHROPIC BORE.
HARD SPACE - POPULAR SPOT BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE.
HEAD CRASH - A COLLISION WITH A PORTA-POTTY.
HEURISTIC - TO BEHAVE LIKE A HEUR.
HEXADECIMAL - A 10-LETTER SHAKER CURSE.
HIGH-LEVEL LANGUAGE - AN IDIOM SPOKEN BY HACKERS WEARING TIGHTS.
HOLOGRAM - A SALUATION TO AN ELDERLY WOMAN.
HORIZONTAL SCROLLING - THE MISSIONARY WAY.

     - I -

INCREMENT - WHAT COMPUTERS EAT TO PRODUCE DECREMENT.
INDUSTRY STANDARDS - NON-CONFORMING STANDARDS.
INTEGRATED CIRCUIT - AN ELECTRIC BUS WITH RANDOMLY SEATED BLACK CHIPS.
INTELLIGENT - A HYPOTHETICAL TERM IN COMPUTING.
INTERLACE - TO TIE TWO BOOTS TOGETHER.
INTERPRETER - THE PERSON YOU TAKE WITH YOU TO A COMPUTER STORE TO
UNDERSTAND WHAT THE SALESMAN IS TALKING ABOUT; USUALLY A 12-YEAR-OLD
KID.

     - J -

JOYSTICK - A TRUNCHEON USED BY SADISTS.

     - K -

KEYPAD - AN APARTMENT WITH A LOCK.
KEYWORD - "YOUR PLACE OR MINE?"

     - L -

LIGHT PEN - A MINIMUM SENTENCE PRISON.
LINE FEED - "I'VE NEVER MET ANYONE AS INTERESTING AS YOU BEFORE," ETC.

     - M -

MACHINE INDEPENDENT - THE GOAL OF ALL COMPUTER HATERS.
MACHINE LANGUAGE - "ZOOM, PUTT-PUTT, CHUG-A-CHUG-A," ETC.
MEMORY - THE PART OF A COMPUTER WHERE DATA IS PLACED PRIOR TO
DESTRUCTION.
MULTIPASS - TO TRY AGAIN AFTER SHE TURNS YOU DOWN THE FIRST TIME.
MENU - AN ITEMIZED LIST OF WAYS TO MAKE A MISTAKE ON A COMPUTER.
MICROMINIATURIZATION - "GET SMALL" IN COMPUTERIST'S LANGUAGE.
MNEMONIC - SAID OF SOMEONE SUFFERING FROM MNEMONIA.
MONITOR - THE FIRST IRON CLAD CRT.
MULTI-PROCESSING - TO COOK STATISTICS MORE THEN ONCE.
MULTI-PROGRAMMING - TO WATCH ALL THREE NETWORKS AT ONCE.
MULTI-TASKING - WHEN ONE "TSK" WON'T DO; E.G. "TSK-TSK-TSK."

     - N -

N - AFTER X, THE SECOND MOST POPULAR NUMBER THAT DOESN'T MEAN
ANYTHING.
NANOSECOND - A WITNESS TO A DUEL BETWEEN GRANDFATHERS.
NIGHT MODE - COMPUTING IN PAJAMAS.
NETWORK - WHAT FISHERMEN DO WHEN NOT FISHING.
NON-IMPACT PRINTER - ONE WHOSE SIGNS GO UNNOTICED.
NYBBLE - WHAT AN UNSUSPECTING CUSTOMER DOES TO A LINE DANGLING BY A
COMPUTER SALESMAN.

     - O -

OVERSTRIKE - TO TEMPT FATE; E.G., AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS.
OFFICE INFORMATION SYSTEM - THE WORD PROCESSOR WHO KNOWS THE MOST
GOSSIP.
OHM - WHERE THE 'EART IS.
OPERATOR - A COMPUTER SALESMAN.  ONE WHO SELLS TAPE IS A REEL
OPERATOR.
OUTPUT DEVICE - A WORD PROCESSOR WHO CAN'T SAY "NO!"

     - P -

PAPERTAPE PUNCH - A MUSHY DRINK THAT STICKS TO THE ROOF OF YOUR MOUTH.
PARABOLIC DISH - A WORD PROCESSOR WITH ALL THE CURVES IN THE RIGHT
PLACES.
PERIPHERAL - ANYTHING THAT COSTS A LOT OF MONEY THAT CAN BE REMOTELY
ASSOCIATED WITH COMPUTERS.
PHASE ENCODING - A MEMORY TRICK TO REMEMBER PEOPLE BY IF YOU CAN NEVER
REMEMBER A NAME.
PITCH - ADDING ALL THE CHARACTERS IN AN INCH OF TYPE WILL GIVE YOU THE
SUM OF THE PITH.
PLASMA DISPLAY - A BLOODY NOSE.
PLOTTER - THE COMPUTER SALESMAN WHO SPOTS YOU BROWSING DURING YOUR
LUNCH HOUR.
POLARITY - SOLIDARITY.
PROGRAM - A RANDOM ACCUMULATION OF BUGS.
PROGRAM COUNTER - A PARENT WHO LIMITS HOW MUCH TV YOU WATCH.

     - Q -

QUERY LANGUAGE - FLIPPANT REMARKS BY MONO-DIRECTIONALS.
QWERTY - TO BE A LITTLE STRANGE.

     - R -

RAM - WHERE MOST OF THE BUGS ARE KEPT.
R&D - BOOKKEEPING ENTRY FOR "UNCONTROLLED EXPENSES."
RAW DATA - A NICE-A ITALIAN BUFFER.
ROM - WHERE YOU PUT ALL THE BUGS THAT WON'T FIT IN RAM.
READ/WRITE HEAD - MEN'S ROOM WITH INVITATIONAL GRAFFITI WALL.
REDUNDANCY - TWO COMPUTER EXPERTS WHEN NONE WILL DO.
ROUTINE - A PROGRAM THAT NEVER WORKS THE SAME WAY TWICE.
RUN - WHAT YOU SHOULD DO WHEN A HACKER APPROACHES.
RUNNING HEAD - ONE WHICH NEEDS THE HANDLE JIGGLED.

     - S -

SEARCH LANGUAGE - "SEEN ANY GOOD-LOOKING WORD PROCESSORS AROUND HERE?"
ETC.
SEMI-CONDUCTOR - ONE WHO ONLY TAKES TICKETS PART TIME.
SHELF LIFE - THE STRANGE, FUZZY STUFF THAT GROWS BEHIND BOOKS AND
UNDER BEDS.
SILICON -  A FOOLISH PRISONER.
SKEW - INTERFACE BETWEEN CONSENTING COMPUTERS.
SKEW FAILURE - PREMATURE CALCULATION.
SMART TERMINAL - THE ONE THAT GETS YOU TO BUY IT.
SOFTWARE - WHAT HACKERS WEAR UNDER THEIR HARDWARE.
SOFTWARE HOUSE - FREDERICK'S OF HOLLYWOOD.
SOLID STATE - ONE THAT OPERATES WITHOUT A DEFICIT.
STACK - THE PART OF A WORD PROCESSOR WHERE THE CHIPS ARE.
STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURES - THE WAY NOBODY DOES IT.
SUB-ROUTINE - "DIVE! DIVE!"
SUPERFICHE - MOBY DICK, JAWS, ETC.

     - T -

TAPE COMPARATOR - A DEVICE USED TO MEASURE WHO HAS THE LONGEST TAPE.
TAPE PUNCH - A NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK THAT COMES IN ROLLS AND STICKS TO
YOUR FINGERS.
TEACHING MACHINE - AN INSTRUCTOR WHO DOESN'T STOP LECTURING WHEN THE
CLASS ENDS.
TELEGRAPH - A PLOT OF TELES.
TELEPACK - A BREWERY THAT DELIVERS.
TERMINAL INTELLIGENCE - TO BE SO SMART IT KILLS YOU.
TERMINAL TRANSPARENCY - A FATAL DISEASE WHERE THE SUFFERER SLOWLY
DISAPPEARS.
THIN FILM - A MOVIE WITH A PREDICTABLE PLOT.
TIME SHARING - WHAT YOU DO WHEN ONLY ONE OF YOU HAS A WATCH.
TRANSDUCER - A SEDUCER IN DRAG.
TRANSPONDER - TO SERIOUSLY THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ON THE WAY TO THE
COAST.

     - U -

ULTRAFICHE - BIGGER, FASTER, AND HARDER TO LAND THAN SUPERFICHE.
UMBRELLA INFORMATION PROVIDERS - WEATHER FORECASTERS.
UNIX - AIR BEARINGS; I.E., NO BALLS.

     - V -

VARIABLE - ANYTHING WITH A FIXED VALUE.
VDT - HERPES SUFFERER'S COFFEE KLATSCH.
VIRGIN MEDIUM - AN ORACLE WHO HAS TAKEN A VOW OF CHASTITY.

     - W -

WEDGED - SAID OF A COMPUTER WITH SOFTWARE TIGHTLY JAMMED BETWEEN
CHIPS.
WORD PROCESSING - TO CHANGE THE MEANINGS OF WORDS; E.G., COMPUTERS ARE
EASY TO UNDERSTAND, WHEN WORD PROCESSED MEANS, COMPUTERS ARE
IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND.
WORK STATION - A DESK WITH A DUMB TERMINAL SITTING AT A COMPUTER.

     - Y -

Y PUNCH - FRUIT JUICE SERVED IN THE STEAM ROOM.

     - Z -

ZERO - THE SUM TOTAL OF EVERYTHING GOOD THAT CAN BE SAID ABOUT
COMPUTERS AND COMPUTERISTS!


COMPILED BY NICK, N7BCV, TACOMA, WASHINGTON

